How to be a girl.

Some situations make me feel like i am a male transvestite trapped in a female body. If that makes sense? I went shopping with Ali today, and she went in to a beauty salon to get her eyebrows done. As i sat down on the pink chair and looked at the four, framed pictures in front of me showing different types of (very feminine) shoes, something occurred to me.
I really don't feel at home in places like this, but i really wish i did. Behind me were a girl and her beauty therapist (or whatever the title is) doing her nails, they were giggling and making girlie, polite smalltalk. Then one of the girls said 'Oh, i know exactly what we need!' And she turned on Abba's greatest hits.
They sang, all pretty nails and shiny hair and perfect eyebrows, and i just wanted to drink nail varnish and bang my head in the wall.
Why can't i be like them? I mean, i am a girl, i like to have nice nails and pretty dresses. I straighten my hair and wear make up and look at my bum in the mirror.. But only to some extent. I don't think I'll ever feel comfortable in a beauty salon or a spa, i just cannot seem to embrace the whole 'I'm every woman, it's all in meeeee'-concept...

I know I'm not the most feminine girl on the planet, but i am most certainly not a tomboy, am i?
I prefer hanging out with guys, mostly because they have a sense of humor and are easy to talk with, but i have girl friends as well. They're just other places, like Russia and Norway.. And i don't really feel the need for any more girl friends, they're so intense sometimes, and so easily upset and agitated.
Except for the few i have, and i thinks that's one of the reasons i have them^^


I went out yesterday to Amesbury. I met the same gang of boys as last time, with a few exceptions, but i decided to slightly ignore them. I'm not a bitch, i have my reasons.
Thing is, i didn't wanted to be in the way.. I know I'm gonna sound even more schizophrenic then usual when i write this, especially if you read my last blog entry, but here it goes: I kind of fancy one of them, and everyone kind of knows it and kind of makes fun. Kind of..
It's so childish, but it makes me embarrassed when they wink and say stuff like 'Sit next to Josh, i bet Josh wouldn't mind' etc.

Yeah, his name is Josh. He doesn't really talk much, maybe that's why i noticed him? I have this theory about people who don't say much. They're either to stupid to come up with anything interesting, or they think a lot instead of saying everything out loud. I hope (and think) he is in the last category.
Thing is, i don't think he fancy me much. At all. Either that or he's very shy. But yesterday they asked me to come in and sit with them, and i ended up having a really good time, some people are easy to have fun with.
He bought me a drink, so i hope i'm not completely left out in the cold, but it might have been sheer politeness. Bah, a girl can dream, can't she?

Tonight i have babysitting duty, so i'm missing the Amesbury beer festival. That sucks, cos i think it would have been fun, beer festivals are normally fun. They have beer.
So i'm stuck at home with three hormonal preteens and my oil paints. Which isn't too bad really, as long as i don't think about all the fun i'm possibly missing.

Christmas is slowly sneaking up on me, like a grandmother with yet another glass of milk for my bones, and i've already started to worry about gifts. I have two families now, and i want to give them all a gift. And friends. And so on. Where is the magic? Where is the black night under the old lamp post with the silent snow swirling around my face to give me the illusion of moving while standing still?

Why is it that all that was good about childhood was also the things we first forgot when we were busy growing up?

I used to talk to trees when i was a kid, have long conversations with them, and i was so sure they answered me.
Now i keep it to a minimum, i am just being polite. I apologize when i step on roots and sometimes i say hello, but i never ask them how it feels to die once a year anymore. I used to, years ago, but i can't remember the answer.

And i'm drinking caramel tea!